Things that Helped Me...
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I just answered one of the sweetest questions. This lovely mom wrote: "I have a question for parents who have raised older children..any advice for newer parents? Anything you wish you would have done differently? Or any parenting tips in specific that has had a positive impact on your child's life?" Turns out, I couldn't shut up!!! I LOVE this question!!!!! Here's what I wrote (in no particular order):
People before things. No exceptions.
Get clear about "choose to" versus "have to." Most of the things you think fall into the "have-to" category, really belong in the "choose-to" category. There are very, very, very, very few things you actually "have" to do, but the belief that you have to do certain things is joy-sucking and can ruin a perfectly good day.
Don’t believe everything you think. (In fact, don’t believe 95% of the stuff you think.)
When you’re making parenting decisions, ignore everyone else outside your immediate family. Pretend they’re not there, and if you can’t do that, pretend they don’t care. (Because they really don’t care. Everything we see and pass judgment on is just a reflection of our inner selves.)
Whenever possible, say "yes." Or, at least find a way to say "Hmmmm.... why not?" Or, at least try saying, "Let me really think about that." And then, REALLY think about it. Ask yourself "What’s the worst that could happen?" And, if the answer is “no,” be honest with yourself about why not. Is it that you just don’t want to? That’s OK! Just be honest about it.
Kids are learning machines, and they learn by default. You can’t MAKE a kid learn, but you can interfere with learning. Kids learn best when they feel happy and are fascinated by the thing they’re learning about. (That’s a hint for you.) And, that thing they’re fascinated by leads to unpredictable and wonderfully unexpected learning. Let fascination lead!
You cannot punish away a need. All behavior is kid-speak: kids trying clumsily to communicate their needs. Happy behaviors communicate that all needs are met and nothing is hurting. UNhappy behaviors (the kind that can cause you to grind your teeth: hitting, yelling, throwing, etc.) communicate the pain of an unmet need or an over-filled "hurts cup." Punishing unhappy behavior does nothing to address the underlying need and often adds to the mess inside the "hurts cup." Focus your energy, then, on becoming a good interpreter of your kid’s behavior, and then meet the need that the behavior is trying to communicate. (Ask me if you need more help with this.)
Take care of YOURSELF. Laughter is CRUCIAL, as are fresh air, water, healthy food, and all the wonderful little things that light your heart up. Those things are more important than the dishes and the laundry and all the other stuff you think you have to do (see above).
Don't take ANYTHING personally. Really. Nothing.
Be the person you want your child to become. Joseph Chilton Pearce said that, and it’s a wonderful thing to remember. That’s because kids do what we do, not what we tell them to do. So, ask yourself if you’d like to see your kid doing the same thing you’re doing. If the answer is “no,” then… you know … don’t do it.
Nurture your intuition by listening to it. The more you listen to it, the louder that little voice gets. The less you listen to it, the quieter it gets. This is the truth.
When a kid lies, ask yourself what’s going on for them. Instead of feeling outraged at the lie, see if you can remember that it is often because your child cares about your happiness AND their happiness and they are clumsily trying to solve for both problems (your happiness AND their happiness). Hold that tidbit of truth in your heart when you're responding to your child, who is only trying to do the best they are able to do, but with limited skills (because they're a newbie human). My personal goal was to ensure that I was always a safe person for my son to speak his truth to.
PLAY. All the time. Watch TV WITH your kid, even if you don’t like the show, and laugh and talk about it. Enjoy your child’s enjoyment of things, even if you don’t enjoy them. Get into the blanket fort with your kid. Play role-reversal games. Be silly. Humiliate yourself. And, if you think you’re not good at playing or you just don’t like it, don’t let that silliness stop you. Follow your kid’s lead and let them remind you how to play. (Hint: It’s not about the destination; it’s about the journey.) (Additional hint: don’t let “perfect” be the enemy of the “good.”)
When asking your kid to do something, pay attention to your own energy around the request. Are you asking with an energy that predicts they'll say "no"? Are you demanding rather than requesting? Are you asking them to do something you apparently detest doing? Are you asking with a "kick-me" attitude rather than a generous attitude (as in, "I am about to give you an opportunity to do something wonderful to help me out!")? Check yourself when making requests so that you can build on connection rather than disrupt it.
Apologize. Often and sincerely. If you don't think you have anything to apologize for, you might be missing something. Apologize because that opens the door to communication. "Thank you." "Forgive me." "I forgive you." "I love you." You won't believe the power in these words until you make them your mantra. And, check yourself to make sure that your apology is a true apology and not just a way to make yourself feel better at the other person’s expense.
Don't be afraid to look silly or goofy. It's actually quite beautiful.
I sure hope you've enjoyed these!!! I had fun writing them.
And, let me know if you have questions about anything here or want to explore any of these points more deeply. I'm game.
Anyway, be well...and be kind!
Warmly,